Do I give up?

[lu]

   I have had a wonderful healthy relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We were best friends. We are involved at our church and read and pray together.  I have never felt so respected and loved by anyone before. We had communication issues that were mostly my fault that he was so patient in working out with me. We learned to share and talk about everything. We fell in love.
   He asked me to marry him. He told me that he couldn't spend the rest of his life without me. He told me I was his best friend and he loved me so so much. I had a wedding shower and after that he started acting all strange. He told me he was scared and was not sure if he loved me. We took some time away from each other. I was very confused and hurt but we both were meeting consistently with couples from our church to help us through this.
   After about three weeks he came back to me telling me that this has been the worst time of his life. He told me that he does love me so much and needs me. I was a little hesitant, as to be expected. We talked about all that and slowly started doing things together again. Yesterday he told me again that he was scared again. I have to admit that I lost it. What is going on here!!! He knows how much this hurts. I feel lied to.
   I love him so much and I want to be forgiving. At what point do I protect myself? We are not married yet. Other than the fact that I love who he was before all this anxiety came I hate everything about this. I do not want to enter a marriage wondering how long it will be before he changes his mind again. What do I do here? This is so strange!  Is this something typical that you see with a man before he get married as he is thinking about starting a family? What do I do? My heart can only take so much of this rollercoaster ride with him. Is there something that I can do to help him? Do I give up? I just would hate to give up on what we had if there was still something more that could be done.

[Forum Administrator]

Hello lu. Welcome to Deep Waters. I appreciate you reaching out as you're going through this trying moment. There are a few things that you mentioned that cause me much concern.

He told me that he couldn't spend the rest of his life without me.
He told me he was scared and was not sure if he love me.
He told me that he does love me so much and needs me.
He told me again that he was scared again

The word that comes to mind is insecurity. The seed or root is fear. Don't marry someone who feels like he cannot live without you. That kind of neediness will drain you and will set your marriage up for an atmosphere of jealousy/possessiveness, control and obssessiveness. It may that you have already seen signs of these. Don't marry someone who believes he needs you. The only person you or he will ever need is God. It is unhealthy to have that expectation of anyone. You do not  complete[/b] each other. Ideally, you should complement each other. Your completeness and sufficiency lies in God and God alone. Do not marry a man who is paralyzed with fear. Fear brings torment and is an indication of either a lack of love or love that is immature (1 John 4:18). Do not marry a man who is unstable (wishy-washy, can't make up his mind, "in" one day; "out" the other) as this man appears to be.

"[For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides]." James 1:8 (Amplified Bible)

When you are considering a potential husband you should be looking for qualities (or at least evidence of the potential for these qualities) of what God/the Bible  describes as a godly husband. Can he lead you? Does he love you unconditionally? Will he sacrifice for you, nourish you, cherish you? Does he seek to understand you? Can he protect you? Does he serve you? Is he considerate of your needs and feelings? Does he help you to be better? Is he strengthening your relationship with Christ? Is he bringing out the best or worst in you? Does he cause you to feel protected and secure in your relationship with him? Do you respect him? Does he consistently treat you with honor and respect? Is he striving to maintain your purity? Can you see the mind of Christ expressed in his actions and attitude towards you.

The uncertainty that you now feel is a direct result of his insecurities. The fact of the matter is, whatever state the husband is in will directly affect the wife. It would be unwise for you to marry this man while there is so much doubt and uncertainty. It is better that these issues have surfaced now. It would have been much worse if he began to express his fear and uncertainty after you were married. You asked, "At what point do I protect myself?" Protect yourself now. Do not stay on this rollercoaster ride with him. Get off.

You asked "What do I do?" Set a condition on your relationship. You should go through in-depth pre-marital counseling singly and jointly. The goal of your counseling should be to see if you and he are suited for marriage--not only whether or not he is suited for you, but also whether or not you are suited for him. In order to even get to that consideration, he should specifically commit himself to finding out why he has the fear and resulting insecurities that he does and then do the necessary things to put this fear aside. If he is unwilling or inconsistent in doing this, completely dismiss the possibility of your marriage to him. If he is willing, I would recommend that you commit a minimum of 6 months to pre-marital counseling... minimum. You need more than "couples from your church helping you through this."

Marriage is too important a decision for you not to take every precaution beforehand.  Get good instruction/wise counsel. Don't make the mistake of thinking that these problems that you are now seeing/experiencing will disappear if you were to marry. The conditions that exist in a relationship before marriage are AMPLIFIED in the relationship after marriage. If your relationship is shaky now, your marriage will be shaky later. You cannot build a good foundation on shifting sand. If he is unfaithful (in commitment, integrity and honesty) now, he will be unfaithful later.

Forgive him you must. God requires it. Love him enough not to enable him in his dysfunction. Love yourself enough to be willing to let go of anything and anyone that adds confusion to your life and poses a threat to the wholeness of your future.

[Purposed]

Thank you Forum Administrator.  That touched me too.  I hope lu was blessed by your response.  I am printing this and keeping it for myself as well. 

[lu]

Wow, that is incredible advice. Thank you so much. When you are in the middle of a problem it is hard sometimes to see things clearly. You made those things very clear. Thank you, I am so thankful to God that I 'stumbled' upon this website. It is a blessing and I will be sure to spread the word! Thank you again.

[la]

After seeking the Lord,talk with someone you trust that will be nonjudgemental and saved, or better yet get premarital counseling with your pastor. Giving him a chance, but I would ask the guy what true anxieties he has, get to the root problem, wait! don't get involved seriously with this man yet, help him as a friend, brother in the Lord.