All Bitterness, Nothing Sweet

[Novelist]

I apologize for reappearing with new issues, but I am going through some valleys right now.  I do not feel accomplished in dating and relationships at all because I am now 26 years old and going through the same boring life that I had at least 2 years ago.  Believe me, I had been burned and I created a few fires of my own.  Truthfully, this is not the taste of life I was looking for.  I want a nice life that is not perfect, yet bearable to deal.  Why can't I have some of the things I want?  It is too hard.  Truthfully, I am bitter of men, relationships, and this so called sweet life.  There is nothing sweet about love right now because I am trying desperately to find love in places it does not exist.  Materialistic is not me.  I know the meaning of loving someone for who he is and seeing potential.  Of course I have expectations, yet I look at myself and see that maybe I do not have what it takes to meet them myself.  It has been tough because I want to get better and not bitter.  What shall I do?  I have prayed before, but I lost faith in love because I do not have the love inside of me to go on and love someone in return.  Receiving the taste of my own medicine is bitter.  It is like a child resisting medicine to get better and they cry because of its taste.  I am like that child, going through tandrums because I don't want to take the medicine.  Afterall, it serves a purpose to help them get better. 

Oftentimes, I wonder why am I single?  At my age, I need to be out having fun, celebrating my youth and meeting new people.  What is the problem?  There is no one to go out with.  Most of my friends have their own lives and if I had it my way, we would hang out more often.  The truth be told, I attach to people and things easily.  It is tough for me to let go when I care for others so much.  Especially when I like someone.  I want him to cherish me the same, but it does not work that way at all.  I find myself on the bottom line, unwanted, and rejected.  Is this the way life and love treats the one who wants it so badly?  I am loveable, although I know that I have some inner insecurities that I need to improve and dispose, simultaneously, how can I do it without the support of friends and a soul mate who will be there with me through the hard times.  I am a complicated woman at this point because love was distorted for me in such big ways.  I want to love and be loved, but that has been on halt for a long time.  Another problem is that I have green eyes.  I feel jealous of other women who seem to have it all.  The career, the man, the car, the home, and she is confident and sure of herself.  She has no secret about who she is and everyone loves her despite of everything because of her personality.  That is not me.  I am closed, secretive, quiet at times, and want to be respected, but it seem as if no one takes me seriously.  For once, I want everyone to know who I am and see the good in me along with faults, but have the same love that would make me feel special.

Clearly, I do not love myself enough and until I do that, I will continue to go through this ordeal.  I am in the valley of "Why Me?" because that has been the question for a long time without one answer in return.  At least I have the guts to admit when I am wrong and I will say that the truth hurts.  Looking at myself in the mirror or thinking of all the things I have done is hard to watch.  All I want is a good life and be happy for a change.  Day by day, I am going through the process of learning how to be content and happy with myself.  Sometimes, it is not easy because I desire someone to love me too.  I want to be embraced and received in love.  What is wrong with this picture?  The loneliness is hard.  The single life is boring to me sometimes because no one is calling to see how my day is going or no one is sending post cards to.  It is hard and I want to experience a real love someday.  Please pray for me.


A woman in the valley.

[faithsaves]

Hi Novelist,

I too am dealing with the same issues.  I was with a man for about 5 years, we had a baby together, and he ups and marries someone else.  So as a result...I am hurt, bitter, and wondering why this happened to me.  So I fully understand how you feel.  However, I also know that God will not bless us with that man that HE has for us until we are able to become content with ourselves.  You stated that you know you have insecurities (so do I) so until we are able to overcome those insecurities with the help of God, we will remain in the same situation.  God wants us to have that love and joy that we desire but he wants us to find it in HIM and ourselves first.  That way our happiness and joy will not be based around man because as you and I know they change.
I often think the same as you "it will be easier if I had a man to go through this with me," but would that honestly be better?  No, because we have so much to deal with within ourselves first.  Going in a relationship/friendship you want to be able to be free of baggage so that you can give love and not only receive.
As far as having green eyes....that's what the enemy wants.  To be able to have the power to play with your mind and make you believe that you are less of a woman.  From experience (my child's dad and his wife) I know that just because it looks good on the outside doesn't neccessarily means it's all good on the inside.  Another woman may have that car, home, and man but she may also have high bills that are to expensive to be paid and a cheating lying husband.  Not to say that, that is what we want for our women but I just wanted to give you an example to show you that everyone has problems.  No one is perfect. 

Novelist just hold on to God like never before.  Give him your cares because he is the only one who can turn them around.  God wants to bless you but you have to honestly want it by trusting totally in HIM.

I will be praying for you Girl!

faithsaves