Abstaining in a Relationship

[Always Blessed]

Hi All-

This is actually my first time posting and I have only been a member for a couple weeks, but this is a GREAT website.
Anyway, I need some guidance and I would like for the men to chime in and help a sista out. I have been dating a guy for the past six months and things have been wonderful. He loves the Lord, we have great chemistry, my parents really like him, he's educated, independent, attractive, business savvy, family oriented and most importantly, he really does care about me. Basically, he has many characteristics that I want in my husband. Well, in the beginning of the relationship, I told him that I did not want to engage in any sexual activity, as I had done in previous relationships. I explained to him that I am not perfect, but I really wanted to commit my body to Christ.  I explained to him that although I've only had a few relationships, all of the things that I have tried in the past did not work, so I really believe that I need to abstain so that I can truly focus on what God has for me (among other reasons). Well, we tried to abstain, but somehow lossed the battle. A few weeks ago, we had another conversation about abstaining and I again told him that this is something that I really want to commit to doing and if he & I were going to be together we really needed to make a conscious effort to not engage in any sexual activity. He agreed to do so.

Things so far have been going well and he is totally supportive but, he did say that this is going to be very difficult for him. I told him that I completely understood, but with prayer we can get through this and if we couldn't, then he is probably not my Proverbs 31 man. Our relationship is sort of unique because it is a long distance relationship, but we see each other very often and I am moving in a few months. So some may say, the long distance has forced us to remain abstinent (this is true) .

This is where we need help. Because we are in the beginning stages of this relationship, I want to do extracurricular activities. By that I mean, taking trips and having 2 or 3 day excursions. He feels that because we can not engage into any sexual activity we should not put ourselves in a situation where we may be easily tempted. I concur, but why should we limit the relationship just because we aren't having sex. I am sensitive to the fact that he really wants to be intimate, but he is trying to abstain because we both want this relationship to work. However, it's hard for me to accept the fact that there may be FEW overnight trips because my man can't control his sexual desires. He has stated that this isn't something that he wants to do, but he's doing it because he loves me and he realizes that this is something that is really important to me. He says that I should understand that overnight trips are not realistic for couples that are abstaining and even more difficult when the two have already engaged in sex with each other (I concur). He says that he isn't ruling out all trips, but right now he is not mentally or physically prepared to be on an overnight vacation with me. This is difficult for me to accept because I want us to do things together outside of the movies, dinner, etc. I believe that tommorrow isn't promised and we should live for TODAY. Is this unreasonable? Am I whinning? I am willing to be patient, but does this mean I will have to accept the fact that there may be few overnight trips until we are married (if this is the man God has chosen for me).

He has suggested that we seek a mediator or church counselor to help us sort through our differences. I am willing to do so, but I figured that I would post here first. Please give us your advice. Is it really difficult to have a mini vacation (share the same room) and not engage in sex. Am I being naive (he's says I am  ). We really do appreciate your feedback!!

God Bless!!

[christianthought]

I tend to agree with your boyfriend.

Overnight trips while sharing the same room really isn't that realistic if both of you are trying to be celibate.  Whereas just holding and cuddling in a bed with each other in a hotel room might be just fine for you, it isn't for him.  I don't know if a man ever gets to that point, but I can tell you that at 27, cuddling alone with a young lady in a bed is the last thing that I should be thinking or doing.

I know that you are wanting to do more than just dinner and movies, and there are other things to do.  What about day trips?  What about sports, working out, concerts, and things like that?  There are a lot of activities that you can do that don't require you to be overnight in the same bed.  What about getting two different rooms?  Not cost effective, but better than being in the same bed!

I do kinda think that you are being insensitive, because the sex drive is a big deal to men.  I personally think that it is a tad naive to put two adults of the opposite sex that are attracted to each other in the same bed and expect nothing to happen.  It is possible, but not very smart.

I suppose you could go to a mediator, but I don't really see the point in that.  You can't mediate your (or his) sex drive.  You either do it or you don't (pun intended).

One thing you said got my attention, though.  He said that this is important to YOU.  Is remaining abstinent not important to him?  If not, then that is a big issue.

[David Dupree]

Hello AB  and welcome to the forum.  I am glad that you are being blessed by it. 

I am really concerned by a couple things in your post.  It seems that your boyfriend is more committed to your decision to abstain than he is committed to the Biblical mandate to abstain.  Secondly, based on what you said, it seems his decision to abstain would be eradicated if you decide that you are okay with it.  If that is true, then that should be troublesome for you. 

If you want this relationship to be on the Godly footing that you claim, then BOTH your desires need to line up with the WORD first and foremost.  It is of no moment that he wishes his desires to line up with your desires.  Yes, wanting to "please" his woman is important.  But not as important as the mandate to please God.  And not as important as the need for him to be the God lead leader in this relationship.  Pleasing God should always be pleasing to his woman.  But pleasing the woman may not always be pleasing to God.  Watch as well as pray. 
I do think it is good that he is suggesting a counselor or mediator.  But what is there to mediate?  A counselor may be helpful...at least a Christian counselor may be helpful.  Or how about counseling with his pastor? 

Whatever you do, remember, "how can two walk together except they be agreed?"  The agreement needs to be with God first and then with each other.  Corinthians says flee fornication.  Timothy says flee also youthful lusts.  So not only are you to abstain, but you are also to FLEE.  Run for your life. 


dd

[bishopbiscuits]

Always Blessed,

..........I would have to say that being overconfident in your own self-control can be just as compromising as a lack of self-control. Particularly when you are talking about the chemistry between a man and a woman.
.........I am skeptical about an overnight trip even with separate rooms for the following reasons:

1. You are obviously very attracted to each other.
2. By acting on your physical desires previously, you have opened a door. Though it is closed now, having been on the other side of that door, the temptation is to revisit the doorway, check to make sure that the door's locked, and to reflect on what was found before when it was open. I am not sure to what degree you wrestle with this, but don't take for granted that your two battles are exactly the same.
3. Sometimes the excitement and isolation of being on a trip, where you have much more contact than normal, may enhance the feelings of intimacy, while providing more opportunities to be intimate.
......... In order to relax and pursue other areas of fellowship, you will have to set up safeguards.  Specific times to end an evening, being more careful in places that you meet.  Being also honest enough  to admit and be aware of when you are more  vulnerable. You both will need to agree to and stick with your plan of action.
............Keep in mind that you are not depriving each other, but purposefully choosing to protect your relationship and yourselves. Compromising your sexual integrity can undermine your ability to properly see other areas of your relationship, and where it is/should be going.
...........Besides, whether you like to or not, you have to accept responsibility for which direction you let your fellowship go. You are not a helpless victim of circumstance. You have the power, authority, and right to actively choose your path. If you find yourself in a compromising situation, "sober" up. Step back and think clearly and decide what you need to do.
..........Also, if you find that there is a  consistent lack of desire or  will to say no or accept a no when it comes to this area of your fellowship, you will have to evaluate some things. Counseling may be helpful for guidance and reinforcement, but ultimately, the choice is made by you two.
.......... It may seem silly to take a stand and  say "It's time for (you or him) to go home"  when you could come up with reasons to delay your departure. But, I believe that you will respect yourselves more for making choices that are true to honoring God first and then yourselves. 

P.S.  You can definitely have fun and enjoy going out with each other. Just plan with due respect for the fact that we are imperfect people.     

[Sunshine]

;D Greetings to all!

     First of all, Always Blessed I would like to encourage you for your faith. Not many people are strong enough to remain abstinant or celebant. For those of "us" who are we ourselves know how challenging this can be. Not everyone has the same kind of motavation and faith to embark on such a long and hard journey. I am not saying that it is impossible for them to do so, but it takes a of strenght and determination to do so and if you are not very determine and have your mind made up about do so, the slightest wind will tip you the other way. So have your mind made up and like the others have said do not place yourself in situations that are going to compromise your decision. It may be easier for you to pull back then for him to. So you have to decide what is more important. Your overnight trips or you being able to abstain. God Bless you and my he guide you!

With love and encouragement,
Sunshine