Hurt

[bishopbiscuits]

......I am hurt, and angry and confused right now. This past weekend there was an emotionally downward cascade.And I had a direct hand in some of it. I am better now, as far as how I feel, but I felt the need to share, because I am working through what came out, so that I can  see how to be reinforced and built back up.
.......The setup to the weekend was preparing for a treat that I had planned for myself. I was going to go just outside of town for a concert, stay out of town for the night to enjoy some personal quiet time, then come back the following day at my leisure. I needed, wanted, and looked forward to this time set aside for me.
........But then, I unnecessarily compromised the nature of MY weekend. On thursday afternoon, relieved to have finished a walkthrough/ inspection by management, I was asked if I could come in to work on Saturday. A simple
yes or no answer would be fine. It was not a demand, and my place at work was in no jeopardy whatsoever.
........By this time, I took for granted that my weekend was safe, and I was tired from working some overtime already that week, helping cover for other folks. In the end, I agreed to come in on Saturday, my day off.
........Friday was a very busy day, but all in all it went quite well. I did end up being too tired and behind timewise to get from my hotel room to the concert. So, I caught up on some of my rest, since I had to leave around
3am to go back to town to work.
.........I had to go out of my way to get to work Saturday morning. But since I had said that I would be there, I got there.
.........Saturday was progressively more and more uncomfortable. It rained all day, so it was slow at work. I had gone out of my way to alter plans that should have been left alone, and was stuck working in and out of the rain, which I would not have been in. And I was still both mentally and physically in much need of rest. Finishing my workday did not make me feel much better.
..........My manager had the right to ask me to come in, but I did not exercise my right to say no. This made me angry with myself. He had the right to see if his personnel need could be met. But the work would get done by the group of people that showed up. It was up to me to see about my personal need. No other person can substitute for me in ministering to some things in my life.
........ It wasn't just time and energy that I had sacrificed by my unnecessary compromise, but part of my peace, and the time to really enjoy a gesture of care to myself. A little refreshment goes a long way sometimes.
.........The last thing was the news of my grandfather passing during the day Saturday. It brought up not just the good memories of him, but unearthed some personal unresolved family issues.
........With this on top of how I already felt, I was spent. I was like a dormant volcano, active on the inside, but not outside. Thank you for letting me vent
......... Overall, It is well with me. My primary external needs are all met, I just need to work on the internal structures more. With God's help, and the help of those people He has placed in my life, I know that I will make progress on my "home improvement."
........Please reply if you have dealt with something similar and want to share, or have some encouragement to offer on this.
.....Thanks again,    BB   

[grace]

Thank you so much for sharing, I can't go into great detail of my situation right now simply because of time But I was truly blessed to read this right now. I do want to say I remember when I first started reading books by Michelle Mckinney Hammond and I saw a title of hers How to say no when I want to say yes, not exact title name, but I remember thinking shoot I don't need that book, I don't have that problem anymore!!

But at that time I was able to speak my mind on whatever was on my mind, but out of what my flesh felt as in I ain't puttin up with nobodys mess type thing. So as I began to grow in the Lord I was able to see that yes I do sometimes have to hold back and be mindful of what I say and how I say it, what I say no to and how I say no. ANd just in finding that balance because sometimes people target you based on what they think they can get out of you others genuingly are asking not necissarily expecting a yes but hoping for one.

So I'm in the process of learning when I need to step back, unless it's something the Lord is specifically asking of me than there's no reason to feel obligated to anything and that it's no one elses fault if I end up in something that I should have refused in the first place, even if there are shady intentions behind it. So praise God thanks again for sharing your story

[Forum Administrator]

Hi bishop. First of all, I'm sorry to hear that someone you know and cared for has gone on. Strangely enough, I am glad that it has brought to the surface some "personal unresolved issues" so that you can begin to work through them.

I can relate to your weekend scenario as I used to suffer badly from "can't-say-no-itis."  As a matter of fact, it was when I realized that I was starting to feel resentful and angry with myself and wearing myself out because I would not saying no that I was motivated to make a change in my life.

A tremendous help to me was the book and seminar Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life. (You can click on the book title for more information or visit the Deep Waters resources for abuse page at www.deepwaters.info/resources-abuse.htm. Both changed my life! It's not easy to start using your 'no' but the more you do it the easier it gets. 

Your weekend may not have gone the way you planned, but again I think this is another example of something God is using to bring an issue that needs to be dealt with to the surface. So... congratulations! 

[Gracious]

Hey BB:

I too have had a difficult time with the word "NO"...when it comes to making life easier for others...even if it means "seriously" inconveniencing myself!!! I think it's because of my desire to help...to lift-up others...Amen?

Also, I've noticed that the times when I find myself most comprised are "spur of the moment" times (ya' know, times when ya' don't have time to think...about what your "YES" actually entails)...then I almost feel like I could kick myself for getting involved with what I'd said "YES" to, in the first place.   

Anywhooo, as I grow/learn more about me (why I do what I do)...I'm learning how to become more in control of my life...and I like it...Amen?

Here's my meaning:

I'm less afraid to be honest if someone asks something of me that I "KNOW" will compromise other plans I've made (as in my time I must use to do something of equal or of greater "personal" importance). I would courteously respond to that person in such a way that the burden of the "YES or NO" would be deferred back to THEM (sooooo, they'd know to continue  in their asking...but to someone other than myself...Amen?

************

Please again, accept my sincere condolences. A loved one who has "transitioned"...SHOULD evoke "SPIRITUAL" change and this is "GOOD" for you.

The bible speaks that steel doth sharpeneth steel...that through our pain we gain blessings inner-strength that grows our connection with "Abba-Father" (as our eternally-wise Forum Administrator has spoken towards!!!)

BB my prayers are with you and yours,


Gracious[/color]

[deelee]

BB so sorry to hear of your loss, you have our thoughts and prayers. I too suffer form the cant say no syndrom, but I am learning. With prayer and lots of talking to myself I am working hard on that.
Stay Blessed Deelee

[bishopbiscuits]

........I must admit that in the midst of the moment, I forgot the big picture. Since I wanted to go to the concert, and the request did not interfere with that part of my itinerary, I let it go through. I should have asked for some time to think about it that afternoon, instead of making a quick decision.
.........Taking the time to properly weigh decisions, even if you try to be flexible with people, is important. I have to make on the spot decisions at work a lot, but I have been trained to go through the mental checklist that governs my decision making.
..........When it comes to my personal commitments, I must better manage my personal matters. Be mindful of the relational "contracts" that I sign with a "yes." Be watchful of the number of contracts that I sign, and read the fine print, before signing new ones.
..........That means that I have to examine what I am responding to and why. Do I want to agree with or accept someone's idea, just to avoid conflict or debate? Do I make a promise because I secretly expect or want something in return? Do I know what is necessary in my life in each area, to pursue that which is beneficial to me? Do I recognize or discern what is worth fighting for, and what is not? Will I separate myself from unnecessary/ unhealthy self- imposed obligation?
...........These are some things that are being sorted out in my life. God is allowing them to be brought out. As I learn to ask the right questions, and not fear the answers,  and walk in wisdom, I will continue to grow.