After 8 years, suddenly remember ex-love. WHY??

[magega]

The painful background:  After a 7 year relationship and one month before we were to marry my first real girlfriend we broke up - in the end, she believed she would not be happy.  It was a most difficult time for me, often unbearable to sustain, it was a terrible.  Took me a long time, 4 years, to move on with my life.  Throughout that time I often remembered this relationship.  Most often reliving, I mean reliving with the same or augmented intensity, the most painful moments, the breakup times, etc.  It was very, very sad. 



Hope and love returns: Thankfully in during those 4 years of recovery I finished my master's, which for a while I gave up, and found a new love, my now wife.  Then an overseas assignment further helped me along, achieving something I'd always wanted.  It was not easy for me nor did I make it easy for her (my now wife).  Nevertheless, we made it through.



Marriage:  After three years of living together (something I'd never would have done before! But which probably would have helped my ex and I), we married and now it is five years later. How time has flown by.  We are happy, though I guess as many we've had our moments. Yet we stay together, through thick and thin.  Mostly, I'd have to say that she puts up with all my weaknesses.  How lucky I am.



Today:  My wife is visiting out of the country her family.  I too was with her for the holidays but returned for work.  But now we've been apart for one month and she won't be back for another three weeks.  Last week, she had surgery over there and thankfully all is well and she is doing fine. Lucky for us that in her family could look after her day and night, something I could not have done here.  I was worried nevertheless.



The issue at hand:  Somehow during this last week or so, I've remembered my first girlfriend and started reliving the pain of the breakup.  Furthermore, I've needed to find out about my ex and know about her today.  What is she doing? Where is she living? Etc.  This has been a very deep desire, actually, more like a drive that I could not control because it was consuming me.  I went so far as to look up old letters that I'd written (& copied) during first years after the breakup.  I hadn't seen those letters (at my parents house) in over 10 years.  I was surprised to see how passionate, emotional and eloquent they were.  Sadly, I'd not been that way during the relationship nor ever really written much that way.  Only after the breakup did my emotions come to life in writing.  Furthermore, I looked up my ex on the web and used a reverse directory to find out about her.  I think I found where she lives. Surprising, if correct.   Also, I started to fear about my ex  and her family thinking that something terrible must have happened (like death).  So looked up obituaries.  Anyways, this is crazy behavior and I'm trying to understand why. Not even during those earlier years did I go through this. I don't long to be with her (anymore) although I truly hope that she is well and happy.  She was (and suppose still is) a wonderful lady.  Previous to this, I have remembered her, but certainly not reliving the moments and wanting to know about her.  Actually, during my recovery, I did not want to know much about her (guess the pain was too much) although I would been elated to see her.  But this week, I've had burning need to know about her (my ex's) life and her well being.  It's something nearly uncontrollable and painful, because I'm reliving the pain of our breakup. 



Trying to understand: Why is this happening?  I feel sad most of the time (this last week).  My only joy is speaking to my wife every day and that is wonderful.  I must say I miss her.  Everyday, this week I've tried to control my emotions and understand the meaning of all of this. At first, I thought that perhaps something had happened to my ex and that somehow (magically) I'd noticed (crazy, huh).  Then when I found out (I think) where she now lives, I thought it was sign regarding a business decision that I'm in the middle of making (the city she lives is one where I was considering investing). Finally, I think that it is related to my wife being so far from me and her surgery.  Because I miss her and had concerns for her health, the only similar memories (painful) of loss were projected through what I'd lived through before.  I know that I would be completely miserable without her.  I'm so lucky to be with her.

This may be only a passing thing. But it sure is difficult to live with.  Wish it had never happened.

Why is this happening to me?  Is this normal?  Is it OK to care about an ex?

[Forum Administrator]

Hello magega. Welcome to Deep Waters. Thank you for being so honest in your post. I agree with you that more than likely the absence of your wife, her illness while away from you, in addition to a feeling of being somewhat helpless with her being so far away from you have triggered some of the same feelings in you that you may have felt during the breakup of your ex-girlfriend: feelings of loneliness, pain, helplessness, frustration, etc.  It is natural for the mind to make such connections and relate one experience that created such feelings to another experience that created similar or the same feelings. You're not going crazy! 

It is perfectly okay to care about someone, especially someone you onced loved. However, what you're doing is beyond caring; it is bordering on an obsession that is not good for you or your marriage. To put it bluntly, you are flirting with danger. While the feelings and awakening of memories are not necessarily inappropriate, your mission to seek out the whereabouts and current circumstances of your ex-girlfriend are a betrayal of trust with your wife. You're married now so your decisions affect not just you but your wife also. When you make decisions, you can no longer only think about how it affects you; you must also think about how your decisions will affect your wife/marriage. What benefit will seeking your ex-girlfriend out be to your wife/marriage? While it may satisfy your curiousity for the moment, ultimately I do not think it will really benefit you either. The limit of your caring must end where the boundaries of your marriage begins.

It sounds like the breakup with your ex-girlfriend left you in a lot of pain, but if she didn't go your wife could not have come into your life. Now you have someone who does want to be with you... your wife. Your ex-girlfriend is in your past and your wife is your present and your future. If you don't want trouble in your marriage, I would encourage you not to bring your past into your present, because it will certainly alter the future of your marriage, possibly with devastating consequences. If you don't want your wife to hurt the way you did, don't do anything (else) that might cause her to feel that she is not enough.

Your will/mind/determination are always stronger than your feelings. When these feelings come, you must remind yourself of the reality of the present. Specifically that you are married to a wonderful wife who you love and your ex-girlfriend is not and should not be a part of your present reality with your wife. The reason you feel so compelled in your emotions to seek out information about your ex-girlfriend is because in your mind you have not closed the door on that relationship. You must close the door and leave it closed. When your mind is set, your feelings will follow.

Instead of looking for ways to emotionally keep your past relationship alive, look for ways to end it emotionally. Get rid of the old letters and write love letters to your wife. Save your passion and emotion for her. How wonderful it would be for her to receive a letter from you while she is recuperating. Imagine what a boost it would be for her (and your marriage) for you to express to her in writing how much you miss and love her and the joy and hope your relationship with her has brought to your life. Give your wife something to treasure and stop treasuring what no longer is. If you do set up your business in the city where you think your ex is living, be careful not to seek her out or even wish that you might accidentally bump into her. With the intensity of emotion you've been feeling, it would be safest to do all you can to avoid any such meeting, and should it happen, have a plan of action/retreat ready beforehand.

magega, don't play games with your marriage: it's too valuable. Do everything in your power to guard against intrusion, even if and especially if the guarding has to take place in your mind. Honor your wife whether she is present or absent. I do not think that you would search for your ex's information on the internet or dig up old love letters if she was right there looking over your shoulder, so don't do it when she's not there. Don't betray what you now have. Look forward to the day of your wife's return with great anticipation and celebrate each day with her and your anticipated future together. 

P.S. Make sure you are getting enough rest and that you are eating properly also. When the body is run down the mind also becomes more vulnerable.

[magega]

Thanks for your advice.  Its exactly what I needed to hear. 

Clearly my irrational behavior is a result of the separation.  However, I agree that the obsessive part of the behavior is a concern.  As if it were a temporary insanity. And yes, there are important things for me to do from now on.

Today, I feel much better.  Wish I'd written to you at the beginning of all this. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for your words of wisdom.

It was if though I want to be feel miserable, because all the corresponding thoughts were about the disappointment, the impotency, the failure, the rejection, the loneliness, etc.  Nothing positive. Looking back, I'm amazed that I made it through.  I survived. And now, I need to only look forward.

Out of this crazyness, a few other things seem to be clear. These are basically things, that I've often overlooked although I know they are longstanding weaknesses that have led to much of my life difficulties.  As such, I believe I need to:

1)   Be more expressive about my feelings
2)   Communicate more completely and honestly
3)   Not take things for granted (for example, my marriage)
4)   Re-establish and strengthen my (few) friendships and not be such a loner. 
5)   Re-organize my life so that it is richer and not only about work/career and what is left for my wife/home
6)   Be more giving and not self-centered

Many other things come to mind but that's a start.  You're right about not resting well.  And FYI, I've been a loner most of my life.  I have friends but I don't make an effort to maintain or strengthen the relationships.  As soon as I had a girlfriend or wife, all my energy and social contact came through work/school or this partner.  Others were left behind.  How lonely I was when lost my partner temporarily or for good.  Work/school was little comfort as I made my partner my social everything.  And because, I didn't strengthen my friendships there was, in effect, nobody I could really confide in when I was in need of a friend.  I was all alone, doing whatever I could to survive.

Anyways, I must believe that all of this is for a good reason.   Thank you for words.  I really needed to see them to get back on track, back on my real life, and out of the haze that I'd fallen into.

I'm glad that in the future I can always count on this forum to help me through.  THANK YOU.

[Forum Administrator]

We can learn from even our worst experiences if we choose to have the proper perspective and if we are open to growth. Your list of resolutions sounds like you're off to a very good start. We all need friendship. It's a precious gift and it is a wise decision on your part to cultivate your relationship with others, especially those who will help to strengthen your marriage and you as an individual.

It is a privilege to contribute to the good success of your life and relationships, magega. That is why we're here. May God's blessings be on you and your wife and may He grant you comfort and peace in her absence and a speedy recovery and safe return of your wife.