Holiday Grieving Essentials

[Forum Administrator]

7 Holiday Grieving Essentials
From the book "The Empty Chair" by Robert C. De Vries  and Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge

1. Take care of yourself physically.  Holidays can be physically draining, especially if this is your first experience with a holiday since the death of your loved one.  Respect your mind and your body.  The acronym DEER (drink, eat, exercise, rest) may help you stay focused on taking care of yourself.  Holidays take enough energy by themselves without the additional gut-wrenching pain of a death.  Failing to take care of yourself physically will only add to your fatigue and frustration.

2. Think back to how you celebrated the holidays.  What was your role in the celebration?  How might that be different now that your loved one has died?  Begin to consider how you might want to handle your traditional ways of celebrating this day following your beloved person's death.  If you have children (particularly dependent children) or others to consider when deciding how to celebrate the holiday, listen to what is important to them.  Then see if you can incorporate their hopes or wishes into the celebration without compromising what you need.

3. This year you may merely try to survive the holidays - to get through them.  That is okay, especially when you remember that the holidays come every year.  You can skip them once (or twice) with the confidence that as you move through your grief you will have more energy to deal with the holidays the next time around.

4. Death puts things into perspective.  Since the death of your loved one, many of the routine things that previously concerned you may mean almost nothing at all.  Some of the festivities and all the hubbub of a particular holiday might seem ridiculous.  This is understandable during the grieving process.  Reassure yourself that eventually you can come to a new and deeper understanding of each special day.

5. Talk with others about the reality that your loved one has died and that therefore your life (and your celebrations) will feel and be different.

6. If you accept a holiday invitation to someone's home, give yourself some leeway.  Be up front with them when you accept the invitation, letting them know that you will try to participate but that you may well excuse yourself at some point.  We suggest that you not host an event during the first year after a death.  As a guest you can leave when you want to or even cancel at the last minute.  You might also wish to consider making alternative plans that may feel more comfortable, as a back up.

7. Remember that a "something" attitude rather than an "all-or-nothing" attitude is a healthy way to approach many issues.  You don't have to do everything (or nothing) ­- you can do something, even if it is something small.  Perhaps you could pick one activity you traditionally did on this occasion that has special meaning for you.  Plan to do that activity again this year, to begin to face the pain of change - to accept the empty chair as part of your celebration.

Experiencing Grief
by Norman Wright
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[Jesaira]

Thank you Forum Administrator.

I lost my loved one 3 years ago, yet sometimes, it seems so fresh especially during the holiday seasons.  The first year of the death of my father, I enrolled in grief classes during the holiday season.  It was a good coping mechanism but my heart was still overwhelmed with sorrow.  During the holidays, my father ate sweet potatoe pies (they were his favorite), so the first year without him, I cooked my first sweet potato pie.  I could the pie in remembrance of him, hoping to find some consolation, to my surprise it did help.

This year, however, has been very difficult for me and this post is so timely.  Last night, I dreamt about him and my heart is aching once again.  I had a very close relationship with my father, I was a daddy's girl.  Now, I am without him and I find it extremely hard at times.  In this season, I am under tremendous stress/pressure and honestly, I have not been taking care of myself as I should.  I like the DEER concept, yet I am not practicing it.  I feel very vulnerable typing this post but in a sense, I feel that I need to release that which is in my heart.  I am so accustomed to being in control and being strong BUT I am in a wierd place.  It is very uncomfortable; yet, I know God has not forsaken me.

Thank you for this timely post.  I am grateful for your sensitivity.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Jesaira. I'm not a grief counselor, but I do know what it's like to be and to be with the one who has lost a dear loved one.  

I think of Christmas as a time to celebrate life because of the Life that was gifted to us. It might be nice to come up with your own special way of celebrating your dad's life, particularly during the holiday season. Sad thoughts will undoubtedly come because missing your loved one is a reality and does not need to be suppressed or ignored. But I like the idea of consciously thinking about the wonderful times that were had with a loved one that is now gone on. I'm sure your dad left you with some memorable moments that would surely bring a smile to your face, even if tears trickle down alongside.

I love that you had some sweet potato pie in honor of your dad. I thank God for your dad, because through him came you, and that's enough to make me smile.   Celebrate your dad's life and have some pie for me in his honor.