Wrestling match; Partially torn

[bishopbiscuits]

........I have been wrestling with the need to stand when I want to move.
........I am currently taking care of my mom and myself. I have known since my early teens how to take care of most of the necessities (cooking , cleaning, laundry, light repair/maintenance). I earn enough to take care of myself, and was about to start saving to move when my mom had an allergic reaction to some medicine. The end result without unnecessary details, is that for the past three years, I have supported us.
.........I want to move for more control over my time , space and finances. The opportunity to have fewer needs and wants intercept mine. I have not known what it is to only take care of myself. I want to feel free to be vulnerable, and create an environment that is geared towards my edification and vision.
..........Though I do desire to marry, I want to have  this time and space beforehand. I believe that it will be refreshing and beneficial for me.
.........I need to stay for a little while longer. My mom is not yet earning an income.  This means that my finances are mainly tied into the maintenance of house and home.  I have not been saving money, though I need to and I can.
............I am struggling with not just my desires for myself, but the evidence that suggests that my mom is not operating with conviction towards a vision for herself. When I see her straddle the fence on her goals, it frustrates me. Partly in concern for her, partly because it undermines my plans.
.............After being home for most of three years, she physically needs to prepare for a more active lifestyle. But walking 5-6 blocks is extremely hard for her right now. I am not expecting her to go straight to aerobics, but just to see a faithful investment in her physical self would be greatly encouraging.  
..........Walking up and down the hallway, or up the steps of our building regularly would be great. I don't feel that she can just demand her body to do what she wants it to do without preparation. And I also fear that either by default or by circumstance that I cannot forget the vulnerable state she is in. And I am one of the few relatives close enough geographically to help out if the need should arise.
..........So I find that as I want to expand personally, I have someone else that is sharing my space, not by my choice, but by default. And I won't pretend that I have not resented this at times.  
.........In the midst of this the challenges and transitions have taught me much that I can apply later on in life as far as household management and living with and communicating with someone else. I could not measure the great worth of what I have learned.
........... I am seeking to hold on just a little while longer. I need a vision for how to support and encourage my mom, without bitterness or fear of no release tainting my words. I just want to improve my waiting, I guess  

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Bishop. I can relate to your dilemma. I am the youngest and I was the last to leave home. I am also the one that my mother is most dependent on. While I was at home with her, I eventually paid all the mortgage and her car insurance in addition to my own financial obligations. My mother also was not in the best of health and she referred to me as her "right arm."

There was a time when I felt the need to move. I was getting older and I wanted my own space. I wanted to see my own things around me: furniture I picked out, etc.. Basically, I needed to feel some sense of true independence. I started looking for a place and was about to sign the lease on an apartment, but God said wait. I was frustrated, but at the same time, I was unwilling to go against what I knew the Lord was impressing on me. So, I waited.

Five years later, I knew it was time. This time, I did not look for an apartment, but a house. I had saved during my waiting time, so I was in a better financial position to do something greater than I could have done had I left home sooner. Now, for the hard part. My mother, who was so dependent on me (and took for granted that I would always be there), resisted my move. It was a source of much inner turmoil for me because I worried if she would be okay on her own.

When I knew that I would be looking for a place of my own, I let her know what my plans were. I gave her as much advance notice as possible (even though I really don't think she believed I would go until she saw me packing). Not only did I give her notice, I did everything I could do to prepare her for my leaving. I discussed a financial plan with her; encouraged her to get involved with other people and activities, etc.. I did my best to try to point out to her what she could do... even on her own. I also did my best to assure her that though I would not be living in the same physical location with her, our emotional bond/relationship was not going anywhere. I did whatever I could think of to make the transition easier for her.

I was still concerned about her though, and it took a close friend of mine to really give me the assurance I needed to move on. I was stressing about my mom one day, almost to the point of tears, and my friend simply reminded me that God would take care of my mom. This I knew was true and that truth gave me the confidence to leave with a settled mind and heart. My leaving was crucial because it prepared me for the next step that God had in store for me which was getting married and relocating to a different state. Making that step straight out of the "nest" would have been very difficult and I would not have had the benefit of learning the things I did while living on my own.

I would encourage you to be prayerful about your move. At the same time, prepare yourself for the financial and emotional adjustments that will be required of you. Also do your best to try to prepare your mom for your leaving. Let her know your plans and try to help her get a plan in place. Don't wait until you've found a place and then spring it on her. Try to include her without allowing her to violate the boundary line that you are trying to draw but at the same time allows her to see your effort to include her in the process. I suspect that your mom will continue to be as dependent on you as you allow her to be. She will not find the need to walk on her own if a crutch is always being propped under her arm.

I hear your heart and your desire to honor your mother. If I can hear that, certainly God knows that too. Even in leaving you can honor your mother and even after you have left you can continue to honor her. It is a natural part of life to grow and "leaving the nest" is a part of that. Parents sometimes forget (and get a little selfish too) that their job is to prepare the child to leave, not to stay at home. Do what you need to in order to grow the way you need to. Don't allow your fear of what may happen to your mother to control you and bind you to a life of dependency and resentment. Follow God's timing and do what you need to do.

[Jesaira]

Wow!  Such powerful insight Forum Administrator.  Much like you and Bishop, I understand completely.  Except there is a twist to my story.  My father died 3 years ago, he died of lung cancer.  While prior to his sickness, the Lord told me that I would be relocating to another state.  As a result, I began to prepare for that transition, informing both of my parents.  At the time, I was 26 years old and I felt it was time for me to "grow up" and not be dependent upon mom and dad.  

However, here's another twist, my parents were my pastors as well and I played a very intricate part in the ministry; music of minister, minister, teacher, intercessor...you name it, I did it because I wanted to help my parents.  I felt obligated too; yet there was a tugging in my heart searching for true independence.

Long story short...my father died and once that happened I thought I would never leave home because I would have to take care of my mother.  Much like you both have said, I wanted to experience "freedom" prior to getting married.  

My mother pastored the church for about a year and eventually "closed" the doors because everyone left.  Majority of the members were only there because of my father, once he died, so did their commitment but that's another story...  

In July 2002, the Lord spoke again to my heart to prepare to move (only one year after my dad died).  I thought God "what about my mother"...He spoke to my heart and reassured me that He would take care of her.  My mother is extremely dependent...she was dependent upon my dad and very dependent upon me.  At the time, I felt God was processing both of us.  As the Forum Administrator stated, sometimes, our parents are selfish and forget that they are raising us to leave home not stay.

Finally, I moved to Maryland in September 2002, my mother was very upset and angry with me.  My mother can sometimes be manipulative and I felt it wasn't fair because my mom left home at 19 and got married!!  I could not believe she didn't want to give me my space to grow.  Honestly, the Lord revealed to me that I needed to forgive my mother and I did.  But I admit that it is a struggle because she needs financial support and at this time, I am unable to help her.  Often, when we talk I feel drained, she is constantly dumping her cares, her worries on me.  And I don't mind talking to her  BUT I can't afford to "carry"  her problems.  It's hard to find the happy medium sometimes.  

This post is SO timely as I am headed to Michigan for Christmas and it is generally the same ole' thing.  I have been asking God to prepare my heart and my mind for my journey back.

I thank you both for your honesty...I needed that.  I haven't shared this with anyone because I was embarrassed.  

I will say this as the Forum Administrator stated: Try your best to prepare your mother for your transition and remain prayerful so you will maintain the PROPER attitude and disposition.  God still requires that we treat/honor our parents.  Also, ask God for a strategy, He will give it.  

Side note:  Bishop, God sees your faithfulness and He will honor you with favor!  Your faithfulness will not go unrewarded...be encouraged!

God Bless.

[Small_Faith]

Hi BB,
I suggest that you show your mom the life she has been missing. Maybe inviting her friends over for a "problem focused" party would help such as...a financial planning or retirement planning party.  With that she can look at what she is not prepared for and also see what you want to prepare yourself for.....matter of fact invite some friends over that are your age too.  Then she will be albe to see the excitement that all young people go through when planning their futures and maybe she will realize that she doesn't want you to miss our on your hopes and dreams.  I do Primerica Financial Services and we do parties like this for people in their homes all the time.  So I don't know what state your located in at this time but I'm sure a representative from my company canhelp you, your mom or both.  

[bishopbiscuits]

Hello, just thought that I would give an update to this post 

..........I thank God for helping me to move out of the frustration that I felt when I first wrote this post. And in order to move out of my frustration, I had to move some things around.
...........The first issue was space. I had a new computer and I placed it along with some other equipment in the living room. When I wanted some time to relax and play games, go online, check e-mail etc.... she would try to interact with me.  Since she wanted company, and I was only four feet away, she could not see that I was taking some "me" time , just in a nearby, unseparated place.
...........I kept saying that I should move my setup into my room. It wasn't until I realized that I could not expect her to protect my needs from her own, that I finally moved my stuff out of the living room. I did it within a week or so of writing the post in december.
...........Now I have much more uninterrupted time to unwind and think things through. Which of course improved my communication with my mom, because the nature of my time with her has changed. Instead of random, careless communication, we get together with more positive and productive results.
..........Also, she is working part-time now, and she is enjoying it. It's not necessarily easy making the adjustments, but definitely worth it to her. Plus, she gets to interact with more people and gets satisfaction from working .
.........She even accepted a last-minute assignment on her birthday. She wasn't expecting anything special from me, but I felt like doing something special for her. So, I came home with dinner,  sparkling grape juice,  flowers, and an ice cream cake to celebrate.  Plus there was a candle holder that plays "Happy Birthday" when you twist it. We were able to enjoy each other's company, instead of just accepting it.
..........We are still different people with different goals. But we made a few changes to protect our relationship while we are still together. It feels less like a battlefield, and more like a home.
...........Thanks for all the responses!!     bb