Abandoning My Self- Neglect

[bishopbiscuits]

Dear deep waters family,

.........This is something that has been on my heart for years, and I share this as a reminder to myself, and hope that it will be a blessing to someone else who may identify with my struggle. I also welcome your input  

****Note: I am referring to having a balance between self and others.  The need for enrichment and maintenance on the inside to sustain and support the outward expressions of relationship****  

......... I have come to the point that I see how greatly I need to abandon a life-long history of self neglect. I have wrestled with low self-esteem, depression, fear, and anger. And God has stepped in and helped me through the worst of them all. But I believe that I cannot continually gain ground until some habits and thought patterns change.

.........Neglect as a verb means to
1.  not care for something properly --to fail to give the proper or required care and attention to somebody or something.
2. fail to do something, especially because of carelessness or forgetfulness
.............As a noun it means withholding of proper care or lack of care.

........I have been guilty on all accounts of neglect towards myself. Some kinds have been sustained while other forms of neglect would come for a period and leave for a period.
.........I have almost always had my reasons. Too busy making other people's priorities my own to consider how I was treating myself. Too caught up in denial or fear to move on things that would be a strength and a help to me. Not standing still long enough to pray and let God show me myself and how He wanted me to respond to what He revealed.
..........Feeling the right to be angry at times, yet feeling the need to contain or ignore it (without creating opportunity to release it in prayer) has caused withdrawal in the past. With the complimentary seeking of distraction or rebelliousness. At least until I would seriously ask myself "What am I doing?"  
..........I hated how I had allowed some things to get between myself and God, my self-awareness, and between my gifts and myself. But I was too used to thinking that I could control  or had to be the one to control and run my life. My strength by itself was insufficient and inconsistent.
..........Sometimes I struggled with how to respond to my shortcomings. I have a perfectionistic streak in me. And I used to have a strong fear of rejection.
..........And especially when you're an adult and get into the "I'll tell you all about what you did wrong, but I won't give you guidelines until after you've messed up" crash course that people give to each other sometimes. That would frustrate me to no end, because once I decide to do something, I give it my best in most every way. I don't like to waste effort. And I desire to honor God and have the peace and satisfaction of doing things well.
......... Poor self-maintenace and organization were perpetual booby traps for me. But it was easier to be focused on other things, perhaps because of outside accountability and some  other perceived promises of reward associated with doing things for or with other people. Work, friends, family, and church became subject to my juggling of one for the other, or of my times when I resented the lack of self-investment and shut everyone out.
...........When I would shut others out, it was everybody that I could avoid. I did not feel that I had the intimacy and regular communication in relationships with parents or friends that would keep them in tune with me. So when I withdrew, I felt justified in a way. But most of what I did when I would become the "hermit" was not productive, useful, or truly ministering to me.
.........I would let things go almost too far before finally talking to God about  what was on my heart. How I felt, what I desired, what's confusing, angering, or hurting me. My selfish responses to not caring for myself still left the true work undone.
.......... I use more discipline when helping someone else than myself. Got to remember that I am worth the effort and investment it takes to maintain and develop this temple.
..... :)If I cook for everyone else, but I just get by on taste-testing for others, I will never be full  
...........Self-neglect and the thought patterns and habits associated with it in my life threaten to perpetually undermine my good relationships and opportunities. I need to grow out of this cycle, and not be a hurt, disappointment, or misunderstanding away from taking the reigns from God in frustration, pity, or anger.  I have much on my heart to do in His name. And I am tired of personal sabotage.
...........God is love, and He makes provision in love for the whole person; spirit, soul, and body. I feel like all the ingredients are in place for me to more wisely spend my time,energy and talents in more fruitful ways. I need to let Him establish  righteousness within me and be faithful in upholding it. I expect the results to be beautiful.  
.........Yours truly,            bishopbiscuits

[Forum Administrator]

Got to remember that I am worth the effort and investment it takes to maintain and develop this temple.

Amen and congratulations!   To do anything less would be to defraud yourself, others and the God whose very creation of you testifies to your worthiness. We are told to love others as we love ourselves, but sometimes we're afraid to love ourselves because we see it as an act of arrogance or conceit, or we see one as being mutually exclusive of the other.

Loving (or doing what it's in the best interest of) ourselves is an acknowledgement of the investment of what God has placed within us and a commitment to developing and fulfilling our utmost potential... in every way. It is our reasonable service. We will more readily accept that we are to be good stewards of our material possessions than our own selves. But our greatest area of stewardship is our own selves. Thank you bishop for bringing this to light. May we all make a commitment to abandon our self-neglect.

[Small_Faith]

To that I'm sure God would say "WEll said...my good and faithful servant".

I would say...great!!!  I'm glad your going to step out and into your dreams and your destiny.  I hope you enjoy it every step of the way.  I am on my own new journey and am in hot persuit of ME.....what God has for me and fulfilling my dreams.

See ya at the top....
Small_Faith