Do all abusive relationships start out that way?

[Forum Administrator]

Are there warning signs that you can look for to tell if a person is abusive? Do all abusive relationships start out that way or can a good relationship become abusive?

What do you think? Share your experience.

[Soulbear]

I think that relationships have to be reciprocol or complimentary to exist.  There has to be a give and take or else the relationship is not corresponding.

Selfishness is a problem and those who only think about themselves can never really have friends.

I think that abuse has its roots in insecurity and control issues and it has something to do with selfishness in a person.  I also think that the less a person can communicate with another person causes frustration and is a cause for impatience and anger.

I think we all can't judge a friendship in five minutes.  You need to have conflict to understand where the relationship is headed and I think we all don't know ourselves until we are pressed against a trial.  What is our strength and when will we sell out?  Those are questions that we could ask ourselves.

Soulbear

[h]

http://drirene.com/18_nar.htm

There is a link to a list that someone started about signs of abuse.  Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft are two secular authors that more detailed descriptions as well.  Personally I have enjoyed "No Place for Abuse" by Catherine Clark Kroeger and Nancy Nason- Clark - also FOOL proofing your life by Jan Silvious (based in proverbs) as non-secular books on abuse.  Focus Ministries also have a listing online with alot of great articles.

Abusers rarely show their true colors I believe.  I mean if you go out on a date and the person is very ugly...lol you going on a second one?  I was watching an online video the other night, and I think they have a really good description of how MOST relationships may start!  The abuser and victim meet, and the attraction is very exciting.  Its almost like when you look back at High School Romances (I know I'm pushing a bit  LOL bare with me!).  You want to spend all your time and efforts getting to know this new and exciting person in your life!  Both are on their very best behavior, and at times abusers can be very charming and romantic!  The attention supply is 100% both ways!  You might even blow off engagements with friends and such at the beginning over the excitement that this person gives to you!  That can be normal in alot of cases.  Its when the newest wears off, and you are in the HEIGHT of this awesome relationship that things can turn a bit.  You are already HOOKED!  LOL you may already be in love with this person.  One day you decide you are going to go and visit Mom instead of a date.  Or maybe you will go out with friends and get silly with them again.  Most people will accept this temporary pull away because they will wish to do the same thing.  The abuser sees this as losing control.  Manipulation starts in alot of different ways, and things tend to downhill from there.  The victim wishes that person they fell in love with would just come back.  They are drawn to that fantasy or illusion of this person.  The good behavior slowly disappears as the abuser finds ways of isolating and degrading the victim.  They give a little and then take it back in a sense.  Most of the time it is done very cautiously and very carefully...and before you know it you are in this deep hole and you don't know HOW you got there!  In some cases abusers don't show their true colors until right before or right after the marraige happens.  Leaving people feeling trapped, and wondering what the heck just happened?  Do I think that happens all the time?  No.  Some people have never had a healthy relationship in their entire lifes!  Some are used to abuse being in their lifes, and feel it is normal.  Just because you are an adult doesn't mean you always know better.  People get confused because of the "Jekyl/Hyde" personalities also.  YOu get drawn in because, "Okay now they finally see the errors of their ways - I have this person back" only to be slammed with reality time and time again.  I'm sure some relationships start abusive almost immediately - others don't!  Just like people relationships are very custom.

I think I started to see signs right before the wedding.  I thought they were just nerves.  LOL I was big time WRONG!  I held on for years - in fact I'm still here!  I never totally understood what was wrong until about 2.5 years ago.  My abuse isn't physical.  Its emotional, verbal abuse.  A couple of months ago a faith ministry was speaking to me about an awful situation that happened to me.  They told me that is was a form of physical abuse, and I think that left me stunned.  Abuse can happen to anyone.  I hope in time people learn to acknowledge it, and not mock it and stereotype it.

[sagesong]

I believe there are signs that we often ignore or rationalize away.  Abuse is ultimately about control.  I think at their core abuser feel powerless.  So they overcompensate by trying to gain control over others. 

They will gain that control anyway they have to.  Usually at first it is through persuasion, charm, manipulation.  At first they control small things that don't really matter.  This is the testing ground.  An over reaction to some small thing.  Then you make adjustments because it such a minor thing.  You don't want to ruin such a wonderful relationship behind something so minor.

Slowly but surely you are giving up control in more areas over more significant things. 

[h]

That is a good way of looking at it also!

[amqueen11]

I think abusive relationships show signs in the beginning because I am just leaving an abusive relationship. The father of my two year old twin girls started out really nice and sweet. But in the beginning before my mircale babies arrived, he used to get this really bad attitude when I would want to go to any of my family and/or friends functions. SO bad that I wouldn't even go, instead of I would ditch them and do something with him. At the time I didn't think anything of it because I thought I was in love. Now that I've gotten a little wiser, I''ve realized that maybe our relationship was based off of lust. I say this because I am no longer IN love with the father of my twin girls. Yesterday I had to get a restraining order on him because he wouldn't leave. I am so bitter and sour towards him. He put me through alot. It started when I got pregnant. HE didn't attend any of my doctor's appointments while I was pregnant and then when I received the news of having twins, he stayed in the car, rather than coming into the dr's office. Once I told him we were having twins, he said, "oh man." I was hurt by that but continued to give him the benefit of the doubt and still kept the faith that everything will be ok; he will come along. After the birth of the twins, he verbally abused where I didn't care about my apperance and gained over 50 lbs. He also refused to help me with the twins. He would sleep on the floor in the living room while I slept in the bedroom with the twins. When they would cry at night he would get up and yell, "WHy are they crying," instead of helping out. SO in other words I did EVERYTHING, while he was out in the pool drinking with his friends everyday. He had no job and I was working and taking care of all the bills and the twins. BUt I still kept the faith. We finally got kicked out of the apartment because finances were getting to me, I could no longer pay everything by myself. I moved closer to my mom and got another apartment for me and my girls. I let him move with me, with no job. The verbal abuse began once again but this time he started to physically abuse me. I still took him back. But just recently I couldn't take it anymore. He totally started to disrespect in front of our beautiful daughters. I had to do something quick.

Now the father of my twins, has no job and hasn't had a job for a whole year. Actually before we got kicked out of my last place, he hadn't had a job for the whole first year of our twins lives. So what was stopping me from kicking him out, I have a really good heart and I didn't want to be mean and kick him out because he would be homeless. Currently I pay all bills by MYSELF (of with the help of God), so I work full time, and attend California State University, Northridge full time (5 classes) as well as take care of my twins. So as you can imagine, I stay very busy and tired. He would say things like, "You dumb b****" any degrading name you can think of, I was called. It really hurt me. So just recently I said I can't do it anymore, I'm getting ready to graduate with my BA and I don't need this. But what really made me wake up was that the relationship started off controling from him, I just didn't realize it. BUt now I have to look out for my twin girls and their well being because I don't want to grow up thinking that's the way a man is suppose to treat you.

Yesterday I took out a temporary restraining order on him and he has nowhere to go. I told him that I can't do it anymore, I can no longer help him. He says I am wrong and nothing but bad things are going to happen to me. But I told him that the government helps the homeless with either shelters or they issue motel vouchers (right now since he's unemployed he receives general relief payments a month and food stamps).

I now feel like a huge brick was lifted off of me. DO you guys think I'm wrong for what I'm doing?? Help I need advice.