A Little Venting

[ethereal]

(I thought this needed to be in both areas)

I had read some of the "Trust Issues" article previously, but I went back and looked at it again and something that the moderator said really hit me: You either trust or you don't". I have wearied of hearing women say, "i trust you, i trust don't trust other women around you". I now realize that that is a cop out (if a man says it, it's an even bigger cop out!). It's the person that you're in the relationship with that you have to trust, not anyone else. By saying that, you are actually telling your mate (be it boy/girlfriend, faincee, husband/wife) that you don't trust THEM. We have to get to a point where we stop crutching and be honest about who we area and what we're afraid of. Sometimes I think we believe that the Blood not only saves us, but turns us into superheroes (and heroines   ) who shouldn't be afraid or who shouldn't show it. You know what kills fear? EXPOSURE. I encourage anyone that is in a relationship: If you are having trust issues and it is not based on actual events, please check your heart, if you don't you could be signing the death certificate for your relationship. If you are single, get whole, get complete, get right. Don't enter into relationship carrying that kind of load. We all have some "baggage" but distrust is a millstone, a mountain. You CAN'T move when tethered to it. And a word of caution, just because God puts someone in your life, don't take it for granted that your behavior or mindset won't cause them to be removed(maybe even permanently).

[Small_Faith]

I have recently experienced a lack of trust in my relationship with a male friend.  WE had been friends for six years and then over the past year became more than friends.  Since last summmer (about a week after easter) I've had little trust that he was being honest with me about being involved with only me.  We work at the same job and I was being warned by a older Christian coworker that my friend was playing the field.  I confronted him in front of her and he denied eveything and told her it was her misperception. Since then he has continued to deny any unfaithfulness on his part and repeating that he would never want to do anything to destroy our friendship.  Well, just this week at work there was  an interaction that took place in front of me with him and another woman at the job ( a new girl).  He speaks spanish and she was a hispanic.  THey were speaking in english in front of me and then there conversation changed to spanish.  In the end she said  "I'll call you later".  I immediately felt disrespected and lied to so I just walked out of his office and left.  When I calmed down I just told him that his behavior was rude and hurtful.  He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. When I told him he said that she was an x from years ago and that  they were just friends and that is was a misperception on my part.  Deep down I realy believed he was lying to my face.  HE even acted as if he didn't realize that it was disrespectful.  So I asked two more coworkers what they have observed (whose offices are near his).  I actually received 4 confirmations that there was something going on between him and this new girl and one of my coworkers confronted him (since they were friends too she thought she could get him to tell her the truth).  WEll, ironically he denied being involved with anyone at all including me so she kind of lost her chirstianity on him in a big way.  I was not at work the day it happened (on a thursday) and then Friday he did not come in at all.  So now I'm sure he will come to work on Monday but I really don't know how I'm going to react and I don't want to loose my religion with a loud rude outburst....especially not at work.  I think he knows he is busted and that I have problably heard everything by now.  I think what hurts the most is that we were friends before he came to work with me at my job and then I feel that he totally disrespected the relationship and that the friendship is now over.  That is so because I could never respect him again after all of his lies.  So YES...I'm venting and I would like plenty of feedback.

[Forum Administrator]

Hi Small_Faith. A (male) mentor of mine once told me that when it comes to a man, you have to watch what he does even more than what he says. It seems the word 'misperception' may be a favorite of your friend. Various people have been said to have misperceived his actions/behavior, but he is the common denominator.

This kind of behavior is not worth you losing your religion or any other thing over. Six-plus years is a long time to invest in a friendship, but a friendship/relationship without honesty and respect is not much of a friendship/relationship after all. Your intuition is a God-given and powerful gift. In future, don't ignore it.

Hold your head up. Don't let your feelings pay for his behavior. Glean what you can from the experience. Take responsibility for your part (not his), and grow from it. As Vikki Johnson likes to say, let this experience make you better, not bitter.  

[manonfire]

Sister I feel your pain,    I lift you up and I know God will bring restoration to you.   The friendship does not have be over,  but he has a responsibility to at least apologize because he disrespected you and did it publicly which is not cool.   If he is a true friend and really cares he will do right,  if not you know who your dealing with.   Let not your heart be troubled because one day someone will love you and be faithful to you and only you.......................

[Small_Faith]

Thanks for the response folks .....and nope I didn't loose my religion on the job.  After I prayed about it I had a certain peace and I was able to maintain my calm and confront my male friend at work..  Yes I did it with the hispanic girl and I guess I just watched as she lost her religion.  But the good thing is I was able to remain calm and then offer some suggestions on his emotioanl maturity and what the definition of friendship is to me. I was able to thank him for his total disrespect of our friendship and told him I would be a stronger woman because of it. Yes...he apologized too.  NOW....my big admittance that I left out the first time, the man was not a Christian in spite of being raised in a single parent home by a Christian woman. He is what people call a exilstincialist....and no I don't know if I spelled that correctly.  But  anyway, I had become impatient with waiting for that one good looking, intelligent, athletic Christain brother to come along and moved on with some one that God had definitely not given me the green light to be involved with. I felt like there were no more good single Christian brothas out there.  At least none that I had met.  So there is why it blew up in my face anyway.   OK...admittance is hard enough dont' beat up on me to bad.

[ethereal]

No beating up, Small  

It's good that u could acknowledge where u went wrong. hopefully that knowledge will keep u from making that same mistake again. And besides, there's no man outside of the one that God is preparing for you who can love you exactly the way you deserve to be loved. Just hold on!