I'm struggling with my singleness!

[Keeping It Real]

I get tired of hearing the biblically and politically correct responses to "why it's been hard, and why it remains hard for me to wait on the Lord for my husband". (Especially from those who go home to their spouses right after they try to convince you that you are not believing God enough)  Yeah, true, I know that if I delight myself in the Lord that He will give me the desires of my heart, and yeah, I know, that Romans 8: 28 is true.  But when my skin is crawling and I need to be with a man NOW....sometimes that is not enough!  Oh, do we still wanna be real? Let's talk about how desperately annoying, aggravating and disappointing it can often be to be the one again...to have to congratulate another friend on their engagement/wedding!  Naw, ain't nobody hating, but you sure wanna ask God..."is it something I did?"  In my plight as a single woman, at the age of 32, I have and continue to struggle with my singleness, struggle so much that in the midst of high praise and worship I can find myself drifting to ask the age old question of "Lawd, how long?"  What, does that mean I am not a true worshiper, does that mean that I regard having a husband higher than getting into the holy of holies...you may say yes, I say, I've got an issue and I'm pleading with God to give me an answer!  Flip side, "do I give up waiting on God to have the first thing that can get erect?"

[Forum Administrator]

What does it mean to "delight yourself in the Lord"? We throw that verse (Psalm 37:4) around a lot, but do we really understand what it means? Delighting yourself in the Lord means that your desire to please God  is greater than your desire to please yourself. When this becomes true in your life, the next part of the verse kicks in, "He will give you the desires of your heart." In other words, when your desire is to please God more than yourself, He begins to place His desires in your heart. And when you start wanting what God wants, it's a done deal!

The struggle comes when we wrestle with what "I" want vs. what God wants. Jesus was struggling in the Garden of Gethsemane until He came to the realization that it's not about what "I" want, but it's about what God wants. The moment He came to that understanding and accepted it, His struggle was over, and the same will be true for you.

Now, just because your struggle is over doesn't mean that your temptations are over. You will be tempted... but not more than you can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). When (not if) you are tempted, you must decide who you want to please more: yourself or God. God has promised to give you "a way of escape" so take it! Don't fool yourself: your flesh did not get converted, your spirit did. Don't think that just because you're saved now, the enemy can't tempt your flesh because he can, and he will. So, don't start (or allow someone else to start) fires that you are not ready to put out. When the "fiery" temptations come, take the "escape" route.

The enemy strategically tempts single people, especially with envy and jealousy. When you find yourself wondering why so-and-so got blessed and you didn't, you're being tempted with jealousy. When you find yourself wanting what so-and-so got, you're being tempted with envy. Here's a tip: never compare yourself with anyone else. God has an individual plan for your life. You and Sis. So-and-so might both be praying for a marital "covering" (i.e. a husband), but she needs a "coat" and you need "shoes." Don't get upset when she gets her "coat" because that's not what you need. Keep in mind that when you pray and make your requests, God not only interprets your wants, but more importantly, He interprets your (immediate and long-term) needs.

So, to answer your question, "do I give up waiting on God to have the first thing that can get erect?" I'll leave you with a question: what's your pleasure?

[Soulbear]

My advice to single people is that it is easier to be single and want to be married than it is to be married and want to be single.  That is advice from my pastor and I think it is good.

I was single for a long time and now I'm married so I see both sides now.

If you want to be married then be prepared for a lot of work because you will be working for two or more people.  That means you have to give up some of your hobbies and wants.

I think the craving in feeling single keeps a lot of people from meeting that special someone.  It adds to the anxiety that keeps people from talking to others.  So many times people don't make opportunities to say,"hi" or start a conversation.  You also have to make yourself look happy and confident to be attractive to other people.

The other risk is that single people should have their sites set just right.  You don't want to be hard that you reject a lot of people but you don't want to be easy that you accept anyone who could be bad for you.

So many people think that marriage will make you happy but marriage just makes you married.  You have to approach life so that you can do what you want and so you can have fun.  Someone who comes along will either be compatible in meeting you there or they won't.  Usually if you are doing your hobby or if you are in your field, someone meets you in the same thing and sometimes they don't but wouldn't it be great if they did the same things as you?

Soulbear

[Shunamitegrl]

Hi everybody. I'm here for the first time and I am so glad I found out about Deep Waters..

I find that my struggle is intensified when I'm involved in activities that don't inspire me or do not have that purposeful aspect to it OR when it seems I'm waiting on something in EVERY important area of my life! Whenever I'm focused on the things I believe God created me for, I am appreciative of my singleness. Unfortunately I'm in a season where I'm waiting on a lot of things, not just a husband, and the things that inspire and keep me motivated are far and few...so this has been a really tough time for me. I fight my thoughts daily it seems to stay pure and avoid getting caught in a bunch of lustful, frustrating fantasies (which are just as sinful as acting them out in my book) that lead to a dead-end full of guilt and depression.

So i'm trying to just work on me and stay open before God with all of my feelings and thoughts.

I guess one of the scariest thoughts is what if I finally do get married and this struggle doesn't go away? After all, everybody says marriage isn't a "cure all." What's really going to happen if and when I finally marry? Maybe the frustration of singleness will pass but other frustrations surface...how will that affect my relationship?

[Novelist]

Being single has good and bad moments.  For instance, I have the chance to date and take my time before making a commitment, yet that is not a painted picture to see all the time.  On the flip side, having someone requires a bit more and that is what I desire to do.  I am 25 and someday I want to get married and have children before I age and it's too late.  Most of the time, I am concerned about when I will marry because I am aging more and as life moves forward, my desires become closely attached to me.  Is there a problem with being concerned about when to get married and have a family?  That is one of my issues right now.  

In addition, finding a mate is hard enough, so how long will it take before we actually date or commit?  That is going to take time.  Is it right or wrong to ask God, why do I have to be single at such an mid-age where I begin to have concerns about my future husband and family?

I also struggle with my singleness because it has been so long since I have dated.  Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me because men do not approach me and therefore, I do not feel beautiful because I am not pursued and that is what every woman wants.  Is there something wrong with me, if men do not approach me at all?

[Forum Administrator]

There is no problem in having an interest in getting married, but there is a problem with getting anxious about it. Worrying about a thing does not change it, and worrying will add unnecessary stress to your life. Don't be anxious, be prayerful. That is the answer to worry. Talk to God about the things that concern you, and trust Him to work things out for you at the right time and in the right way.

Your beauty or feelings about whether or not you are beautiful should not be based on whether or not anyone approaches you. That's a dangerous trap that could lead you to change your behavior/appearance just so you can attract others. There are many people who are "ugly" in nature, character and behavior who are approached by men. That does not mean that they are beautiful.

Don't be concerned with flattery which is based on what is superficial. The kind of man you really want to attract is one who is more concerned with what he cannot see at a glance: the inner beauty of your character and spirituality. Focus on being the best you can be--inside and out--and the rest will follow.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30

[Novelist]

For years, I have felt lonely and it seem as if I am going through the young and the dateless.  I am 25 years old and would like to at least start dating so that I can see where it goes.  The problem is that men do not approach me.  I feel unattractive because of that.  Sometimes, I can see a handsome man and look at his finger and he is taken.  I begin to wonder, "Why Me?" Where are all the men?  Dating has not been easy for me, but it would be nice to be pursued every now and then.  It seem as if men are not looking in my direction.  For one, I like to look nice for me because I like nice clothes and shoes, the whole attire! Yet, men are not approaching me.  Although, I do not go to the Salon every weekend or wear the latest fashions, what I have is nice, but I desire to have more.  Right now, I do not have the funds and financially short.  I am like the ugly duckling.  I have the beauty within, but I am going without.  I am not sure if it's my attitude, which I know I am working on myself, my whole self because I have to represent.

Right now, I don't know what's in store for me in the future.  I do not want to get married at an old age to where it's too late to have a family.  My fear is loneliness and being unloved.  My human nature is yearning for love, yet my spirit is crying for help.  I know that God loves me.  He made me, yet I am unhappy with my life.  I want to change, I need to change, but there is an empty void in my life.  I never had a long term relationship.  I have been lonely for at least 3 years and without a date, that is horrible.  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I being too judgmental on myself?  I need clarity.  

[bishopbiscuits]

This  topic strikes close to home.
......I just turned 30 and I have never gone on  a romantic date. I socialize some and I have always found it easy to make friends, but that side of things has not taken place yet.
......I had my greatest struggles with my singleness in my twenties ,  and it took time and teaching for me to
choose to enjoy my singleness as God prepares me to be the man that He wants me to be.
......I have wondered whether a crazy work schedule, or finances, or being labeled with the "friend" tag would doom me to perpetual searching until someone finally decided to see the diamond in the rough.
......Since I know myself better now, I can say that I wanted that total package of acceptance, adoration,
companionship, fulfilment,and commitment through love that was out there, somewhere. Speaking for myself, I was not ready for where my passions wanted to take me. I'm talking about premature marriage.
......As I went through some tough times that forced me to stop running around, stand still, and cry out to God, He began to minister to me.

1. As a person who was prone to indulgence, I was vulnerable to making compromises that would distort
the order in which my relationships should flow.
.........I would likely have idolized whomever showed me
the attention that I felt I needed so badly. However, I recalled something that I read somewhere. We all have in us a God-size vacuum (empty space) that only He can
fill. I learned that there were some needs in me that only He could meet. As much as we have people in our lives we know and trust, people have their limitations. If I had sought my validation as a desireable man in a woman first, my expectations on her would have been unreasonable.
........  The greatest love I know is God's. There is a completeness to how He cares for us, if we let Him. In beginning to explore and realize the ways and degree that He loves us, we are given an example of the kind of love that we should give ourselves, and accept from others. He established our value first!

2. I needed to be prepared to have the relationship that I desired.
..........God had to reveal some things about me to myself. In good or stable times it is easier to have an incomplete awareness of your self. Some things were in me that I did not know were there until life caught me off guard. For instance, having a female friend that I had good fellowship with, jealousy would come from out of nowhere when another male seemed to encroach on
my "space" in her life.
.........I take comfort in appreciating the process that I am going through. It's not easy, but I want to honestly
be more well-done than half-baked.

3. If I am too caught up in things that are not directly under my control, I can waste a lot of my life.
........I have talents to explore, opportunities to operate in, and most of all a peace to protect. Satan likes to take advantage of our wants, desires, and needs. If I can be continually distracted, obsessed, or depressed by the enemy's manipulation of my feelings, I will ceaselessly be wrestling. It starts a cycle of highs and lows that leave you unfulfilled, which can start it all over again.
.........Our natural desires are not our enemy. They are valid -to a point.  Trusting God enough to honestly present Him with our feelings and welcoming His response can take away some of the panic that sometimes comes and puts us into overdrive.  
.........I decided to enjoy my life a little more; to invest
in my talents, and be more thankful. I personally feel that as I am more at peace with God, and myself, I'll
be better able to be at peace in the relationships God gives me. Especially (eventually) marriage.

HANG IN THERE!!! The race is not given to the swift nor to the strong, but to the one who ENDURETH TO THE END.  As you run your race, let Christ help you balance the equations of life, love, and other mysteries.