Deep Waters Relationship Advice

I am looking for some advice, because I am so lost right now.  I got married 3 months ago to my husband who is an associate pastor and on his way to having his own church.  He grew up in ministry, but then joined the Navy and got far away from God.  Last year, he realized to come back to God, so he did full force, and that's when I met him.

After we got married, he started acting really distant, shut off, disconnected from me, his kids, and my son from a previous marriage.  Barely any conversation was exchanged, and he didn't really say anything nice or spend any time with me, but he was always in the Bible. 

I was concerned and went through his email and not only had he been soliciting women on the Internet for sex since we had been married, but he had an EXTENSIVE history in his email or soliciting men, women, and transvestites for every kind of sexual behavior imaginable dating back to 2005.  I found stuff I didn't even know existed on there. 

I confronted him and he denied it all, but did confess to the recent stuff while we were married, saying that he was dealing with his mom's death (from Oct. 08) in the wrong way, and he only sent emails, but never intended to act on them.  He said God forgave him and gave him another way to deal with it, and it was over, and if I thought there was anymore to deal with, I was threatening his relationship with God.  HE thinks there should be no consequences because God dealt with his mind already. He is very protective of his relationship with God, saying he is accountable to no one but Him. I believe that is a crutch to keep doing what he is doing, because he will handle it with God, I'm not a part of it, and I can't question that.

He is now out of town for work for 4 weeks and of course I don't trust him so I put one of those spyware things for pornography (even though I have no evidence he is doing this but he might be) on his laptop before he left so I could see if he was still sending these emails and soliciting people, and sure enough he's back at it out there.

I believe that deep down he wants to do what is right, but he is compartmentalizing this stuff as if it doesn't exist.  He is in deep, deep denial.  He is VERY concerned about image, and he probably married me because in ministry it looks better to have a wife, but he wanted to keep his secret life on the side, with no questions asked. 

I am probably going to leave him because my health and possibly my son's is at risk here, but I want him to get help, or he is going to bring a lot of people down with him if he continues in ministry.  I told him best friend since he was 5 about it because I knew I could confide in him and he would probably take confrontation from him better than me, because all I do is "nag" him and I'm the problem, but his best friend has no idea HOW to confront him.  When you are protecting something this secret, and I am probably the only one ever to have found it, who knows what he could do when confronted.  But he NEEDS help, whether I stay with him or not. 

Anyone have any experience with this? How do I confront him?

From one of our own Deep Waters Moderators, Theresa McFaddin

I know what you've thought plenty of times before...because I've thought it too: I never dreamed that I'd still be single at my age!

Many of us watched the chic flick Sex in the City celebrate Carrie finally marrying Mr. Big at forty years old.  It looked so romantic and easy to do... but many of the die hard City fans remember all the episodes of the on and off, back and forth drama between the characters.

But what about our unscripted real lives?  We aren't living from TV season to TV season, but day to day, month to month, year to year, decade to decade.  Dating isn't easy for males or females in this generation.  Carrie & Big did things according to a room full of TV writers; however, if you live by God's rules...things must be different.

Broken hearts hurt, being vulnerable is taxing and trusting God to join us to the right person is frightening!  Some people can't move forward, because we're holding to tightly to a toxic relationship for fear of having to be completely alone until the real man shows up.

Nevertheless, as the Bible tells us in the book of Job... "there's hope for a tree that's been cut down, that at the smell of water, it will sprout again!"

I don't have a perfect past, and Darryl has often laughed at the fact that at least three times before him I thought I had found the One and called myself "engaged"...but none of those situations happened by God's grace and protection!  I have been let down, embarrassed and hurt.  In addition, I've been kept, blessed and renewed!

Mom told me a couple of years back, "you could have been married...but don't know if you would have been happily married!"

So I want to encourage you to not look at your age, frustration or past relationships.  Tell the Lord you are willing to endure whatever, to get the person that is in His will for your life, makes you smile in the midst of turmoil, believes when the facts say doubt, and the individual that can burn away anger when they hug you.  Yes, I'm a first time bride at forty...but I must say... I wouldn't trade nothin' for my journey!!!  I've walked away from some relationships, simply because I trusted God and doing things His way is not always easy.  All in all, hold your hope ladies!  Psalms says, "my times are in Your hands Lord!"

And just as a quick side note: I asked the attendant at the bridal store if they gave discounts to first time brides at forty... and can you believe she looked at me as though I was crazy and said NO!  The nerve of some people... I still believe that I've earned a discount for holding on so long!  hahahaaa

Blessings, Theresa

    http://www.harvestwords.com
    http://www.youtube.com/macfabulous1
    http://www.answertoprayer.weddingwindow.com
    http://www.terrimcfaddin.org

Tha's for your words of encourgement i will speak life into my situatuion no matter how rough the storm gets.  Please continue to pray for  me .


A new day is coming
 

The single life is boring to me. Yes, there's a time for family, friends and even yourself, but after that, what else are you suppose to do? I don't mean to be pessimistic, but the single life is harder in these days and times.  No one wants to commit anymore.  If someone has a soulmate, they are blessed to have one because it's tough out there.  I go through my flesh and fighting everyday.

Thanks for the replies. Both of them really blessed me.

AMEN!!!

What a blessing 1EagleSky  ...  Sure needed that message!!!

...Thank ya'  Holy Ghost!!!

My advice to you is well worn, tried and true: Read your Word. Let it get into you. Spend time talking and praying with God. Don't be too afraid to share what's on your mind. Once the love of God gets attached to your mind and heart, you will never be too afraid or embarrassed to share with God what's on your mind. What I mean by that is, once you begin to become more familiar with who God is and what His character is like, you will be more trusting of Him and less hesitant to seek His will.

You have to live your life for God and no one else. At some point, this is going to cause friction with others. When this happens, you can react two ways: 1. You can go with the crowd and be accepted   2. You can go God's way and suffer criticism, etc. because you chose God's way instead of the world's way.

As an example, let me share something that happened to me years ago. My siblings and some friends were going out to see a movie. Now just a few weeks before, I'd made a commitment to not watch any TV series or films that had strong sexual content in it, as a way of keeping my mind pure. When my siblings and friends asked why I didn't want to go to the movies with them, I was too embarrassed to say the real reason, but just said that I didn't feel like going. My oldest sister flew into a rage, saying that I didn't want to go with them, because I thought I was better than them. WHAT?!! That wasn't it at all, but I can only imagine what she and my other siblings and friends would have said if I'd revealed the real reason why I didn't want to see the movie.

Following God's way is the only way you will live a successful Christian life. There are no shortcuts, and compromising will hurt you more than help. Hope this helps! God bless you!

Very well put, Gracious! Oh, and BTW, I misquoted the scripture I was referring to--got the numbers mixed up! I meant to say Proverbs 4:23

Church,

Please let me begin by sharing that I know that "DeepWaters" is not a political forum, however it is a forum that explores with great brevity our "relationships" with each other & with our Deity. Here we explore the TRUTH --- JESUS!  And the TRUTH for me TODAY, isn't pretty!  The TRUTH is that I need your help!!!  I need your help because of what your about to read!!!  Honestly, there are times in my life when I am driven to HATE the actions of certain "evil" mentalities (people) ... I'm guilty of praying to The FATHER over this & picking up that SAME anger ... as if I'd never gone to HIM with it!!!  And I need your HELP & your prayers, because I feel FED-UP!!!  With the devil & his nastiy-ness!!!

Have you ever been soooooo disgusted by what you've heard or seen in this world ... that you jus' wanna' HOLLA!!!  & then cry, out of hurt & anger???  Well, that would be me ... as the following was spraulled across the media:

Quote

New York Post endangers President and community
By CYRIL JOSH BARKER
Amsterdam News StaffPublished: Thursday, February 19, 2009 4:11 PM EST

http://www.amsterdarnews.com/articles/2009/02/20/news/doc499d8c3670e25155597128.txt

A political cartoon published by the New York Post on Wednesday has many alleging the newspaper promotes blatant racism. The cartoon that ran in the newspaper's "Page Six" section features two white police officers who have gunned down a chimpanzee in a pool of blood. One of the officers says, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." Sean Delonas drew the cartoon. The work is a parody of a recent news story that broke earlier in the week where a woman was attacked in Connecticut by a chimpanzee. Police shot and killed the animal that was being kept as pet. President Barack Obama also signed $787 billion stimulus bill on Tuesday.

The cartoon appeared in the tabloid on Wednesday and prompted immediate opposition from civil rights organizations. At the National Action Network headquarters in Harlem, the Rev. Al Sharpton voiced his outrage. "We cannot have different standards in this countrywhen it comes to offending people," said Sharpton. "This, to us, is something that's offensive to all Americans, Black, white, Hispanic and Asian."

Comments from outraged America:  

Quotehttp://elinortatum.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/hello-world/

I was floored.  I am not sure what actually was the most offensive thing about this cartoon - the fact that someone actually came up with it or the fact that the Post actually printed it.  This just shows you how important other voices in the media are.  I bet the folks of color at the NY Post are completely embarrassed.  What News Corp allowed to go onto the pages is offensive on so many levels.

Firstly, what does the chimp going mad have to do with the stimulus package?  It certainly seems like the Post equates a monkey with black folks  (Our president for one) and that the chimp going mad is indicative of a black man going crazy.

The problem with this logic is that there is none.  The stimulus package is something that can work if implemented properly,  and there is nothing crazy about it.

What is crazy is that the Post found some way to connect the mad chimp and the stimulus package.  Secondly, showing cops shooting a monkey ( the image of which has historically been equated with Blacks)  continues to play into the fact that cops shoot Black men often and that it is just a regular occurence.

New York Post Editor-in-Chief Col Allan said in a statement that the cartoon was "a clear parody.  "It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy. Again, Al Sharpton reveals himself as nothing more than a publicity opportunist"

What Allan fails to realize is that Sharpton is just one of thousands of voices that abhor what the Post has done.  This is so far beyond Sharpton, who was simply the first to speak up in public but not the first to be outraged.  The community is up in arms.

The Amadou Diallo shooting was ten years ago; the Sean Bell shooting is still fresh in our minds.  Black men are killed on a daily basis.  Black men are killed by cops across this country far too often.  Our president is a Black man and it looks like the Post is almost calling for an assasination.     THE NEW YORK POST NEEDS TO BE STOPPED.

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February 20, 2009 at 8:28 pm

I think all New Yorkers should boycott the NY Post. The Post has never been a newspaper that showed good taste in publishing anyway but this is this is definitely last affront to decency. As African-Americans we should stop accepting excuses from racist and stupid white folks when they say, do or write cruel, racist and unecessary things. I know the election of President Obama was suppose to have knocked down some racial stereotypes but apparently racism and stupidity go hand-in-hand at the New York Post from its owner to its editor to the cartoonist who sketched this despicable cartoon. And African-Americans should stop respecting any leader who says 'oh, we're beyond reacting to this type of foolishness'. And, don't fall for or believe the Post when they say this cartoon was a paraody. Our President deserves better then this, and the New York Post should pay for it's insensitivity. BOYCOTT THE NY POST!!!!!

 
I' must say ... when I first saw this so-called imagery, it likened itself to pictures I'd seen taken in "Stone Mountain, Georgia"  where the KKK hung-LYNCHED CHRISTIAN "BLACK" men & women ...  proudly & joyously, knowing that no earthly law could stop them!!!                 It made me SICK to my stomach!!!

How do we as nation, get past this?  HELP LAWD!!!



Definitely ... NOT feelin' too ahhh "Gracious"  this evenin'